This post is long overdue, and my apologies for that, but home turns one slothful and there is no imperative- you must go to the mess or you will starve- voice in the head; pushing one to constantly ….do.
If this semester were to have a title, you know? Something fancy…. I’d call it something from a song that someone recommended I listen to, towards the end when I wanted to perform random acts of senseless violence.
“…It was worth all the while.”
This semester has really been one of constant pushing. Of constant running, Of constant doing. Strangely, fatigue has come and gone, flitting almost, a part of the deal. This semester has been a glimpse of the outside world, of work and life and everyday gains and losses.
I think I lost a lot this semester – but the loss as always has been a learning experience as well as have the gains.
I have lost the ability to laugh, talk, meet and be. With random numerous lots of people.
(but I think I am trying to get it all together again)
I have lost respect for myself. For the kind of idea of worth I carried around in my head, and this has hit more than most. I have had to pull myself together and remind myself of the reasons I had. Some were more flimsy than the others, but I'd like to believe that the worth is still there. And that the respect hasn’t unravelled to the extent that I thought it had.
I have lost and found so many things. Including confidence in myself. And the ability to spin yarns and write a tall tale.
I have lost companionship. Of a deep and enriching kind. One I am most sorry to have lost and whose absence hurts.
I have lost, and this is because of all the other things above, the complete and unerring faith in myself. The absolute sense of trust I once had in my actions and beliefs and motives. If I question myself more, I know it is because of doubt not reassurance. As a standard by which I would like to carry on, this is not a welcome sign, but as I realised, the knowledge of this is sufficient to propel me to work towards it.
That and my ego coupled should have me back on track in no time, I think.
( now the good part )
I have gained substantially more than I have lost. In terms of emotions, sights, perspective and fun.
I know now how I can survive. I know now how much I can take and I know now how to pull oneself together and present a brave face to the world.
My definitions of fairness, of deserving-ness have become even more grey. I can handle reality better, I think.
I can pack. I pose well for pictures and I smile brilliantly at the camera.
I had my coffee on Times square and looked up and realised that there are still things one is delighted by. I am not as jaded as I had believed.
I saw Starry Night, stood next to it and touched the air around it. I was transfixed and I love it. I even have a picture of me grinning uncontrollably next to it. I saw Van Goghs. I ate croissants and omelettes for breakfast. And I lived an experience that was as enriching as it was fun. And I have some truly memorable photographs that I look at every 7 minutes.
I have gained some sense of achievement, some sense of pride.
I bought flowers for someone, for the first time. I ran, actually ran, across crowded roads, hand in hand with V, giggling all through, bags in one hand and hair in complete disarray. smiles.
My first snow. And a few other firsts. One is tucked into bed every night, with bedtime conversations and observations which make one smile.
My first intense hurt too.
One survives, there are Lindo truffles in mint for dessert. And experiences and love and newness and niceness and happiness.
This semester was discovery, it was realisation and giggles. I think I have cried the most this semester, but I am also very happy. Just happy. Happy because anything that will happen now is something I can control. There is anticipation, excitement and life again. I dont know why I feel this way, because I particularly didn’t feel its absence earlier, but what the hell, I am enjoying this - this ability to be, do and look and feel- just.
If it weren’t for the dreaded end semester exams, this would have been close to a perfect melange.
On the whole – a D.
If this semester were to have a title, you know? Something fancy…. I’d call it something from a song that someone recommended I listen to, towards the end when I wanted to perform random acts of senseless violence.
“…It was worth all the while.”
This semester has really been one of constant pushing. Of constant running, Of constant doing. Strangely, fatigue has come and gone, flitting almost, a part of the deal. This semester has been a glimpse of the outside world, of work and life and everyday gains and losses.
I think I lost a lot this semester – but the loss as always has been a learning experience as well as have the gains.
I have lost the ability to laugh, talk, meet and be. With random numerous lots of people.
(but I think I am trying to get it all together again)
I have lost respect for myself. For the kind of idea of worth I carried around in my head, and this has hit more than most. I have had to pull myself together and remind myself of the reasons I had. Some were more flimsy than the others, but I'd like to believe that the worth is still there. And that the respect hasn’t unravelled to the extent that I thought it had.
I have lost and found so many things. Including confidence in myself. And the ability to spin yarns and write a tall tale.
I have lost companionship. Of a deep and enriching kind. One I am most sorry to have lost and whose absence hurts.
I have lost, and this is because of all the other things above, the complete and unerring faith in myself. The absolute sense of trust I once had in my actions and beliefs and motives. If I question myself more, I know it is because of doubt not reassurance. As a standard by which I would like to carry on, this is not a welcome sign, but as I realised, the knowledge of this is sufficient to propel me to work towards it.
That and my ego coupled should have me back on track in no time, I think.
( now the good part )
I have gained substantially more than I have lost. In terms of emotions, sights, perspective and fun.
I know now how I can survive. I know now how much I can take and I know now how to pull oneself together and present a brave face to the world.
My definitions of fairness, of deserving-ness have become even more grey. I can handle reality better, I think.
I can pack. I pose well for pictures and I smile brilliantly at the camera.
I had my coffee on Times square and looked up and realised that there are still things one is delighted by. I am not as jaded as I had believed.
I saw Starry Night, stood next to it and touched the air around it. I was transfixed and I love it. I even have a picture of me grinning uncontrollably next to it. I saw Van Goghs. I ate croissants and omelettes for breakfast. And I lived an experience that was as enriching as it was fun. And I have some truly memorable photographs that I look at every 7 minutes.
I have gained some sense of achievement, some sense of pride.
I bought flowers for someone, for the first time. I ran, actually ran, across crowded roads, hand in hand with V, giggling all through, bags in one hand and hair in complete disarray. smiles.
My first snow. And a few other firsts. One is tucked into bed every night, with bedtime conversations and observations which make one smile.
My first intense hurt too.
One survives, there are Lindo truffles in mint for dessert. And experiences and love and newness and niceness and happiness.
This semester was discovery, it was realisation and giggles. I think I have cried the most this semester, but I am also very happy. Just happy. Happy because anything that will happen now is something I can control. There is anticipation, excitement and life again. I dont know why I feel this way, because I particularly didn’t feel its absence earlier, but what the hell, I am enjoying this - this ability to be, do and look and feel- just.
If it weren’t for the dreaded end semester exams, this would have been close to a perfect melange.
On the whole – a D.
0 comments:
Post a Comment