As I write this on the cusp of my 32nd birthday, my thoughts go naturally to the year past and the year ahead.
But before that.
***
A thing happened to me today that made me feel sad. But then the fact I felt sad made me feel even more sad. It was an odd experience - this nested sadness, but along with it came, (with a sudden flash of bright light and a clear pure note played on a piano, if you will), that this swing - between wanting to be sad but also wanting to be high-quality sad, and grading all the sad - that this swing would just continue to exist unscathed by the piles of human emotional improvement I let pile all around me, and well that it should.
What good is fighting years of conditioning - might as well let the pre-frontal cortex take over.
Grading sadness is a useful tool however - and its one against which my future (present?) has no hope of winning against my past. Basically, no matter what (and I'm not tempting you, universe), having control, and being my own person is always better than being small and bullied.
***
Baby K turns one and it makes me want to weep. I cant explain why.
***
I miss being thin.
***
I am excited for the new year ahead. So many possibilities. But first, insurance.
***
But before that.
***
A thing happened to me today that made me feel sad. But then the fact I felt sad made me feel even more sad. It was an odd experience - this nested sadness, but along with it came, (with a sudden flash of bright light and a clear pure note played on a piano, if you will), that this swing - between wanting to be sad but also wanting to be high-quality sad, and grading all the sad - that this swing would just continue to exist unscathed by the piles of human emotional improvement I let pile all around me, and well that it should.
What good is fighting years of conditioning - might as well let the pre-frontal cortex take over.
Grading sadness is a useful tool however - and its one against which my future (present?) has no hope of winning against my past. Basically, no matter what (and I'm not tempting you, universe), having control, and being my own person is always better than being small and bullied.
***
Baby K turns one and it makes me want to weep. I cant explain why.
***
I miss being thin.
***
I am excited for the new year ahead. So many possibilities. But first, insurance.
***
